Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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