So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
