Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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