He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
