i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
