and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's not a walk of shame if you run
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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