he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
And the cops told us we were all naked.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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