You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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