I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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