when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Mom said you looked used
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
