No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
