if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
