I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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