the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
