Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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