I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
