Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
