Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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