We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
