just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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