I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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