How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
