i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
