Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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