Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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