i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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