You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
