How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
