The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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