Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
