we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
