Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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