Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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