The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
