ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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