It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
