my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
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My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
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That dog was the best thing i ever touched
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
third nipple confirmed
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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