oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
