I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
