hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
