Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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