Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Randomize
