I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
