I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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