You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
