history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
