so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
