haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
