After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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