Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I am one with the molecules
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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