this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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