How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
