paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
