We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
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IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Your penis caused this!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize