I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
