We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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