remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My ATM looks so different sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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